Christmas in July
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: The YGO gang are kidnapped by Santa and forced to work at the North Pole. Will they ever escape the clutches of Santa?


DIS: Well, I got this idea when I was laying in bed and I just had to write it down! Please read below and enjoy!

X

_Title:_ _Christmas in July_

_Genre: Humor_

_Rating: M_

_Summary: The YGO gang are kidnapped by Santa and forced to work at the North Pole. Will they ever escape the clutches of Santa?_

_Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh, but I own this plot and all ideas. THEY'RE MINE!_

_Notes/Warnings: Perverted stuff; Bakura/Anzu – maybe; And Just So You All Know, Santa Clause Is NOT Real! But Rudolph is. (snickers) _

X

"I love July!" Mai sighed, rubbing tanning lotion on her skin.

"Uh huh, me too!" Jou agreed, drinking hot cocoa.

"Jou," Mai sighed, shaking her head. "You're only allowed to drink hot cocoa in the summer. It's against the law to drink it in the summer."

"WHAA?" Jou's eyes widened. "IT IS? AW MAN!"

BANG!

"(X.X) Ow..." Jou muttered.

"Uh..." Mai stared at the fat guy in the sled.

"Ho, ho, ho!" Santa nearly fell over when he leaned back as he laughed. "Merry Summer!'

(-.-)

"What the hell?" Santa turned, drooling.

"I AM HERE TO KIDNAP YOU, MWAHAHA!"

"(OO)"

"Mrs. Claus and some midgets died, so..." GRIN

"AWWWWWWW!"

X

"Now," Santa glanced at the YGO gang. Most had been gathered up randomly and a few were with each other. "I know this is a shock, since I'm real and all." He flicked his beard in a prissy way. "But, you know, I must keep the parents from overreacting and becoming careless."

"You always skip me," Marik noted, scowling.

"You're a bastard," Santa told him, shrugging.

"I am not! I leave you cookies!"

"(-.-) You eat them, too."

"Well..." Marik blinked, then started to sulk. "Stupid fat-ass."

"WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT?" Santa swerved the sled and one of the elves fell out.

"Poor elf," Anzu muttered in a considering tone. "Oh well, he kept humping my leg, after all."

(X.X)

X

"These will be your outfits," Santa handed the girl short red tunics and the men green tunics.

"These are gay, I'm not fucking wearing this!" Bakura snapped. Santa's eyes narrowed in his swollen up face.

"Wear it or freeze your ass off," Santa ordered him and wobbled away.

"(OO) And I thought the fat-ass was supposed to be nice..."

"Theoretically, he is." Anzu pointed out.

"Theoretically, you have big honkers."

"(-.-) You're so crude. And Mai's are bigger!"

"So? They're probably implants."

"Asshole."

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Whore."

"Prick."

"Slut."

"……I am not a slut, you mother licker."

"(OO) I do NOT lick mothers!"

"Uh-huh," Anzu rolled her eyes. "That's what they all say."

"Well, there _was_ Yami's mom...But I killed her afterward."

"MOMMY!" Yami wailed, crying in the green tunic.

"(OO) Look what you did, Bakura!" Anzu slapped him and he glowered at her. "You made Yami cry! It's okay, Yami." She started towards him, turning her back to Bakura.

Smack.

"HEY!" Anzu whirled around. "Don't slap my butt!"

"Hey, you slapped me." Bakura shrugged.

"Will you two stop sexually harassing each other?" Kaiba asked, frowning. "My brother doesn't need to see this."

"Your brother tried raping me once!" Isis accused.

"Don't give yourself so much credit."

"(OO) YOU EGOTISTICAL PRICK!" Isis lunged at the CEO and started beating the crap out of him with her purse full of bricks.

"Eh...?" Anzu blinked.

"What...The...Hell...?" Bakura gave a disturbed look, turning from the two. "I'm going to change into this gay-ass thing."

"I guess it suits you, then." Anzu sniffed.

(OO)

"BITCH!"

GONG!

"Ow..." Bakura rubbed where Isis' purse had hit him. "That actually hurt..."

"GOOD!" Isis and Anzu snapped.

"Thanks Isis, wish I had my purse full of bricks. I keep forgetting it!" Anzu sighed.

"Always keep it when Bakura's around," Isis informed her, shooting a dark look at Bakura, who grumbled, rubbing his head. Anzu merely nodded in agreement.

"I guess we better go change," Anzu sighed, walking towards the dressing room that had two women kissing.

"(OO) Creepy sign," Shizuka muttered as she passed by. The guys looked at each other, alone.

"These things are _so_ unfashionable," Otogi muttered, flicking some hair out of his face.

"I _know_." Honda sighed, staring at the green tunic. "But we don't really have a choice do we?"

"Oh, we do," Otogi paused. "I'm just not willing to take it."

"Me neither." They all left to the dressing rooms and reluctantly changed into the green tunics.

X

"All right, you can wash and polish my sled." Santa told Bakura, smirking. Bakura frowned at him.

"You're shittin' me, right? I don't do chores, my abiou does." He nodded to Ryou, who was getting seductive looks from the elves.

"No, you are going to do it, Bakura." Santa shoved a pail and a scrubber brush into the Tomb Robber's hands. "Now go."

"Fine," Bakura grumbled, stomping towards the "garage".

"You can give the reindeers baths." He pointed at Yami, who blinked rapidly.

"Oh, um, okay?..."

"Hmm..._you_, Marik, can start making toys, along with the rest of you. Oh, except you four.

"Us?" Anzu, Isis, Shizuka, and Mai said in unison, pointing at themselves.

"Yes, you. Come with me, I have a place for you."

X

Bakura stared at the sled, glaring. "This is so fuckin' gay." He paused. "Not only gay, but it's lesbian too." He sighed, putting the pail down and started to clean the sled, running the scrubber over the surface, not really paying attention. "Hm?" He spotted a spray can and grinned, throwing the scrubber away and taking the spray can. "Hehehe..." He sprayed it, until he drew back, smirking.

GO GET LAID FATASS

Satisfied with his work, Bakura took the pail and started to snoop around for anything interesting.

"Eh?" Bakura picked up a magazine that was on the ground and grinned. "At least those midgets have the good idea about women." He commented, flipping through the Playboy with interest.

X

Yami sighed, looking depressed. He turned the hose on and the water came out.

Freeze.

The Pharaoh blinked, then noticed that the water had froze in mid-air. Frowning, he snapped the icicle off and waited for the water to come out. He tapped the hose on his knee, then looked down the hose. He slapped the hose and the ice slammed into his face.

"AWW!" Yami grabbed his face, wiping the ice away, shivering. Yami blinked suddenly, smelling smoke. He dropped the hose and went to one of the stalls and his jaw dropped.

"Hey, do you mind?" Rudolph demanded, frowning at him, waving his pipe at him. "I'm trying to get high, not that I'm succeeding." Yami came in and took his pipe and snorted.

"You have horrible weed, that's why."

"Really? You got any good stuff?"

"I don't, but I know someone who does. Come on."

X

Bakura heard footsteps and looked up, seeing Yami.

"Done with the reindeer?" He inquired.

"The water kept freezing," Yami explained, spreading his hands out helplessly.

"No, it _didn't_," Bakura gasped sarcastically. "Moron, of course it would. We're at the North Pole, after all."

"Anyway," Yami glowered, "Rudolph here doesn't have any good weed, so..."

"Rudolph?" Bakura stared at the reindeer, who was walking on his hind legs. "This place is more fucked up then I thought." He tossed the Playboy where he had found it and stretched. "Okay."

(Later)

"I don't know why she doesn't want to go the whole way," Rudolph was saying. "I mean, why wouldn't she? It's because of my nose, isn't it? Isn't it?" He just shook his head. "If only I hadn't done so many drugs – if only my parents hadn't either...I wouldn't have this damn nose of mine!"

"Hey, it's not that bad," Yami told him sympathetically. "If it makes you feel any better, Bakura keeps getting rejected by Anzu."

"(-.-) Shut up, Pharaoh, I don't see you gettin' laid," Bakura growled at him.

"Yeah? Well, it's better than getting insulted time after time by a girl."

"Why don't you just go screw yourself!"

"Gentleman, gentleman," Rudolph intercepted. "Can we get back to my problem?"

"Oh, yeah, sure." Yami paused. "Maybe she's afraid of getting pregnant?"

"Or maybe she just doesn't want you humpin' her?" Bakura grumbled pessimistically, lighting his pipe and taking a deep breath, then exhaling. "You don't look very manly for a reindeer if you ask me."

"I bet she likes Donner (sp?). Or...or...Blitzen!"

"Isn't that your dad?" Yami inquired.

"I don't who I am anymore!"

"(oO) I know how you feel. I was alive in Ancient Egypt and I still barely know myself."

"Yami, stop sulking, for Ra sakes," Bakura barked at him, glaring.

"How did _you_ remember your last life, Tomb Robber?"

"I was blessed in that manner."

"(-.-)"

"And blessed with my good looks...So why the _hell_ doesn't Anzu want me!"

"Because you're in a green tunic?" Rudolph suggested.

"She didn't want him even without the tunic," Yami told the reindeer.

"Ouch."

"(-.-) Laugh it up, you insensitive pricks," Bakura griped, lighting his pipe again.

X

Marik took a doll and screwed the head in where the leg was supposed to be and did the same with the other body parts.

"Hi, Marcy," Jou squeaked in a high pitched voice, holding two dolls. "Like, what are you going to do today, huh?" Jou cleared his throat. "I'm going to go to da mall, Betty, like, wanna come wit me?"

"(-.-) Are you playing with _dolls_?" Kaiba demanded, frowning at him. Jou blushed and hid the dolls behind his back.

"No..." Jou muttered, blushing a deeper red.

"You were! You were playing with Barbies!"

"I was not," Jou lied.

"Oh?" Kaiba arched a brow, smirking and crossing his arms across his chest. "Then _who_, pray tell, are Marcy and Betty?"

"M-my imaginary friends," Jou responded hastily. Kaiba let out a bark of laughter at that.

"Oh, is that so? Since when do you have imaginary friends? Oh wait, let me guess, _now_."

"I wasn't playing wit dolls, Kaiba!"

"The hell if you weren't, Katsuya." Kaiba grabbed "Marcy" and "Betty" from Jou. "You named these dolls Marcy and Betty and were playing with them! I saw and heard it."

"Sh-shut up," Jou sputtered, flustered.

"Ha! Not only are you a dog, but you're a damn little girl!" Kaiba snickered. Jou suddenly smirked.

"I'm not da only one." Kaiba blinked, puzzled, then turned around.

"(OO) MOKUBA! What are you _doing_!" The younger Kaiba blushed.

"Th-they were calling to me, big brother!" Mokuba lied, dropping the two Bratz dolls.

"Humph," Malik snorted. "What little girls."

"How does this look?" Marik questioned Malik, holding up the disfigured doll. The latter's jaw dropped.

"What did you _do_ to it?"

"A little this and that," Marik shrugged modestly, then peered over his shoulder when he heard a thump. "I think Kaiba just fainted." Malik turned around and blinked at the motionless form of the CEO.

"I don't _think_ he did..." Mokuba told him, looking at his big brother in concern.

X

"So, here's what I want you girls to do." Santa patted the cat walk and the ladies glanced at each other. "Strip off your clothes and start to lick each other up here."

"(OO) What! You disgusting old man!" Shizuka cringed at the notion of such a thing. "My big brother would never allow this! Help! Rape!"

"Hey, I'll do it," Mai shrugged.

"Hell no! Not me!" Anzu crossed her arms over her chest in refusal. "I'm saving my virginity for someone special!"

"Bakura?" Isis inquired.

"How did you know? (OO)"

"Well, it's pretty obvious you're playing hard to get."

"(o.o) I didn't think it was." Shizuka spoke up.

"You're still very innocent," Mai sighed, patting Shizuka's head.

"Well...I say we make our escape!" Isis proclaimed.

"(-.-) Go ahead, let's see how far you get," Santa waved a hand, sitting down.

"Okay! Shizuka and Anzu, you find Yami and Bakura. Mai and I will go get the others."

"Right! We meet in the garage!" Shizuka exclaimed.

"No, not garage, "garage"," Mai corrected, making quote signs with her fingers.

"(o.o) Oh, um, right."

X

Yami and Rudolph looked at the door lazily when the door slammed open. Bakura had jumped up, coughing on the smoke.

"Ugh, what's that smell?" Shizuka queried, wrinkling her nose.

"You guys were getting _high_ all this time!" Anzu demanded, glowering.

"He needed love advice," Yami elucidated, gesturing to Rudolph.

"Hi," the reindeer greeted with misery in his voice.

"(oO) Um...Right! We're escaping!"

"We are?" Bakura asked, blinking. "How, exactly?"

"Um...With _that_!" She pointed at the sled.

"(-.-) Can anyone drive?"

"Er...Sure! I can!"

"Right, whatever."

When the others came, they hooked the reindeers to the sled, with Rudolph miserably at the front and piled into the red sled.

"Er...Go reindeers!"

Silence.

"Aw, hell, who gives a damn anymore?" One of the reindeers muttered. "Let's go." They were jerked up into the sky and Anzu grimaced, realizing she didn't know where she was supposed to go.

"Um...go...er...Southeast!" Anzu told them.

"Sure, whatever..." Another reindeer mumbled noncommittally.

"(o.o) Not that it's shocking, but they're actually listening to you," Marik said with a hint of surprise in his voice.

"If it's not surprising, why are you acting like it?" Kaiba asked, his brows drawn down.

"I'm not," Marik snapped, glowering.

"Right," Kaiba rolled his eyes and looked to Mokuba, who was stroking a doll's hair. "MOKUBA!"

"What?" His brother whined, sinking away from him.

"DOLLS?"

"Jou gave it to me as a gift," Mokuba whimpered. Jou was talking to "Marcy" and "Betty", whom he had retrieved from Kaiba earlier.

"JOUNOUCHI!" Kaiba roared and started for him.

"(OO) KAIBA, SIT DOWN! You're shaking the sled!" Isis yelped, clutching onto the side. Honda and Otogi shrieked, holding onto each other with fright.

"UH..." Anzu gulped, seeing Domino's city lights below them as they swerved down.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID, KAIBA!" Malik snarled, trying hard not to fall off.

CRASH.

Anzu had ran the sled into a building. They all scrambled out of the sled as they heard sirens.

"Make a run for it!" Bakura told the others, grabbing Anzu and hauling her over his shoulders.

"Marcy! Marcy!" Jou cried as Shizuka and Mai dragged him away from the sled, where "Marcy" was left abandoned.

X

Santa sighed, staring at the empty garage.

"I forgot all about the sled..." He spotted the Playboy and picked it up, plopping his large body down and flipping through the pages. "Oh well, at least I have this."

X

DIS: Welp, there you have it! I know it's a little rushed, but I didn't have that many ideas. Please review and tell me whether it was good and whatnot. Adieu!


End file.
